Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
