I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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