whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Screwed.edu
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dear god my vagina.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize