it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
