I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
