If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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