i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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