We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
