It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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