I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
