Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
