Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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