I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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