The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
