I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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