You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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