I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
