were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
