So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
