You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
