no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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