Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize