how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
