happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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