I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
