Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
What a dumb baby whore.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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