So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
