I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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