i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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