remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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