Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
