Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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