Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
