I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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