There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
