When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
