k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
