$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
