Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize