How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
