i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
