Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
