Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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