someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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