my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
