my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just pee around me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize