In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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