I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am naked and annoyed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
