i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
