Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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