I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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