Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
