Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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