I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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