My girlfriend figured out who you are.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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