omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
