I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
