How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize