nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize