went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
