Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
