I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
