Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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