I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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