Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize